Chapstick & Dryers Do Not Mix

If I had a dime for every time a tube of chapstick ended up in the dryer, I still wouldn't have nearly enough money to reimburse me for all the clothes it's ruined. Actually come to think of it, I do have a dime for every time that happened...they were also in my pockets when I did the wash and they rattle around in the dryer taunting me and daring me to try to find them. Then when I open the dryer because I can't stand it anymore, they suddenly disappear. Disappear that is until I pull the clothes out of the dryer and then all "hidden" spare change sudden projectiles itself into an airvent or an otherwise impossible crevasse. No wonder I'm always getting advertisements on inexpensive airvent cleanings...they probably clean up when it comes to the tips!

Back to our chapstick clothes. Now that I've surveyed the damage I inevitably tell myself, "It's not that bad...I'll just wear it". The problem is 1.My loose standards for acceptable clothing. 2. I'm usually not pulling laundry out right as the sun comes up so looking at it under the fluorescent lights of the laundry room is not quite the same as viewing it in daylight. The other problem is that after I've put the clothes on, I'm not going to see the toast-shaped blot right on my behind. How disappointing to come home later that evening and find out all those women were not actually checking me out.

So now some practical tips to help you avoid the mistakes I've made. #1 Wash your clothes on cold...it saves energy and chapstick won't melt...yet. Once or twice I caught that tricky tube before it maneuvered it's way into the melting machine. #2 Don't put chapstick in your pockets. Keep it in a drawer, or a bag and never slip it into a shirt or pants pocket. This is what I try to do but it never works...at some point it always leaps into a pocket. #3 Pat your clothes down like a cop at a Snoop Dog concert before ever letting them get near a laundry machine. Finally what I'm going to resort to since 1-3 have all failed me....#4 Just lick your lips.

2008 Not So Great, 2009 Should Be Just Fine

Anyone else ready for this year to be over? It's not that it didn't have any redeeming qualities, but just like our lame duck, 2008 does not have a high approval rating.

Some suggested resolutions to improve the year to come:

I think the media should resolve in 2009 to ignore celebrities. Celebrities are just like the monsters in our closet, if we ignore them they will go away. It really bothers me that the moment someone mentions Brittany or Angelina that everyone immediately knows who they are talking about. There are lots of very cool people with those names - it's really not fair to hyper-focus on just those two people exclusively. My vote is we take the most popular celebrity first names and find random people with these same names and the papparazi can follow these new people for a week and make a huge deal out of everything they do. Then the next week a new round of different people. It will make it more fun for everyone.

I'd suggest the oil companies make a resolution to stop jerking us around. Keep the gas low and stop making up excuses why it would go up 250%. Every time I drive out of the house it feels like I'm playing "Deal or No Deal". "Give me low numbers at the tank!" I scream. It would be awesome to see those low numbers continue to plummet and hold...and it would be even better if there were really hot models sliding away covers that revealed the gas prices as we drove by stations.

A resolution for our world and local leaders - make decisions to better the lives and economic status of your citizens. We know you have complicated problems and tough decisions ahead of you. We support you, so please support us by being level-headed, cooperative regardless of party affiliation, thinking way ahead into the future, and being wise stewards of the things we've entrusted you with.

Another resolution for all of us - let's live within our means, save wisely, spend wisely, work hard, be wise stewards of our planet, and help those around us who are struggling so everyone of us can enjoy prosperity!

Like a runner misses a sprained ankle, or a claustrophobic misses his airplane seat, we'll miss you 2008. 2009, I've heard so much about you and can't wait to meet you!

Sincerely,
DR Lowder

Lean Times

It can't be ignored anymore, times are tough. Economic problems aren't just stock tickers on the morning news anymore. They are lost benefits and jobs, they are real people with real problems.

I've learned something interesting in recent weeks. What is an epiphany for me may be old news to you so no need to take a seat or buckle-in or anything. I've thought about Joseph of Egypt and the prosperous years followed by the lean years. I've thought about our past of great prosperity that was enjoyed, and how this is changing to leaner times, and how important it is in times of prosperity to prepare for the inevitable famines.

So on to what I've learned...I've realized that this principle of prosperity and famine applies to just about everything in life, particularly spirituality and emotion well-being. I personally understand now better than ever how important it is when we experience rich emotional and spiritual times to get them into our storehouses for the other periods when we struggle. Record, recall, and recount the good things from life when faith dwindles and life bears down with its unrelenting pressures. When all else fails, as in Egypt of old, we can go to those with abundance and draw on their strength. On this Thanksgiving Day I am so grateful that while every resource on earth may evaporate, the storehouses of faith and love are abundant in my friends and family. Thank you all!

Protein Drinks Should Have More Bacon

Now I wouldn't call myself a health nut and neither would you if you knew me, but every now and then I drink one of these protein shakes that's supposed to give me big muscles. Six months ago I bought several large boxes of pre-packaged drinks and try to use them before or after lifting some weights. So in this time time period I've probably put on 25lbs...and not exactly the good kind.

I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed so it's just dawned on me...maybe I need to rethink the whole protein drink. No matter what anyone tells you...any sort of health drink is gonna taste funny. If a friend says, "oh, I have this great shake I make with wheat grass and whey and it is so delicious and gives you tons of energy." they are either 1. lying 2. putting heroin in their shake 3. have recently had a catastrophic tongue accident. Every "health" drink is going to have a strange texture, and a wicked aftertaste. That is why you'll notice instructions on the side of these drinks that say something like "shake severely to avoid identifying ingredients" and "serve to the nearest point of freezing to avoid taste".

Now I'm thinking that if protein drinks are already chunky and are going to make me fat anyway, I would propose manufacturers start putting in things like cubed ham, and bacon bits. Maybe even a southwestern shake with spicy shredded beef and tomato juice. I'm no marketing genius but just writing these ideas down is making me salivate so it's obviously a great idea.

So the point my friends to this pointless blog is to beware of advertising and fads. Even if a product says it is guaranteed to improve your "length and girth" it may just make your ankles swell and more difficult to put your shoes on.